Ramblings of an Idiosyncratic Homosexual

Archive for March, 2012

I’m addicted to Porn and Masturbate Constantly

Like any self respecting mobile phone owner, I’m addicted to my phone. I’m not sure if it has something to do with the signal of the phone that messes up the electrodes in my brain, causing a chemical dependency similar to the affects of nicotine, or if it is something else… Far more sinister.

You see it is not the phone that I’m addicted to. I dislike being on the phone for an extended period of time, and replying to a text is more often than not, at the bottom of my list of favourite things to do, and this is because majority of the time, the message interrupts my game. Yes gentle readers, I’m addicted to mobile gaming.

Currently I’m addicted to the game Draw Something and this is because of two leading factors.
1: People won’t leave me alone. I mostly blame Simon for this…
2: it was our niece Caitlyn that downloaded it at dinner because she was bored. I think I spent most of the time playing it because she was bored of it after five minutes.

And it doesn’t stop at draw something. I’ve been addicted to mobile gaming for as long as I can remember. I think everyone was addicted to snake at one point or another, back when Nokia was actually relevant. More recently it has been words with friends, angry birds, race penguin…oh my god race penguin. So good.

It’s an epidemic, I feel like I’m loosing what little brain cells I have left after all the drinking and smoking from the last 7 years. It’s a real problem. This is far worse than any famine in Africa, or financial crisis in the United Kingdom. I am talking about the fall of human emotion and communication all together, forget about global climate changes, no one will care when the tides rise to swallow the world because they will be too busy trying to play ‘quiz’ as a word in Words with Friends to notice. In millions of years when aliens come to earth they will search the now massive oceans and find billions of creepy skeletal humans, every one of them with an iPhone attached in hand. Occasionally you will have some stupid ape like creature with the Samsung Galaxy in hand, but they deserved to die, they were obviously to dumb to contribute to society in a positive way. And no one will be stupid enough to have a HTC, because the people that have them now, probably won’t make the same mistake twice.

The Bucket List

Everyone needs to have a bucket list. It’s a necessity. A fact of life. Everyone needs to have little tasks they must achieve before they die. Is is so when your old and wrinkly, you can look back and say, I lived my life and achieved everything I wanted to achieve. With that in mind, I have concocted a list of 25 things I want to do before I die. Some have already been crossed off because I already achieved them. 😀

1. Get married
2. Have a child
3. See Eric Saade live in concert
4. Attend an Official Eurovision After Party
5. Have a decent investment portfolio
6. Get a degree
7.Be really Popular
8. Skydive
9. Bungy Jump
10. See Koh Phi Phi
11. Attend a Full Moon Party
12. Attend Mari Gras
13. See the running of the Bull in Spain
14. Go to the tomato throwing festival
15. Sail the Nile
16. See all 7 natural wonders of the world
17. Climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge
18. Save someone’s life
19. Attend Melodifestivalen in Sweden
20. Go to Brazil to see carnivale
21. Live in Sweden
22. Learn a new language fluently
23. Visit every continent
24. See a Volcano
25. Give the man who invented Pokemon a Hi Five!

Chadlington: Party Planer Extrodinaire

Tomorrow is Daniels birthday party. This is first party I have ever planned for him, and as such, it needs to be spectacular. I’m talking the grand fucking royal gall ball of birthday parties. Not exactly like that, that was a slight over exaggeration. More like a really fancy shindig.

I have made it a costume party, and the theme is Heroes vs Villains. I’m of course going as a hero, and she is not male. Why have I done this you ask? I enjoy being the centre of attention, even at my own husbands birthday. Don’t judge me…

The one thing I hate about party planning is that you never know how many people are going to come… I mean people say they are coming and “see ya there” or “I’ll try and make it, hopefully I see you later”. All lies. Lies lies lies lies lies lieslieslieslies etc. I take it with a grain of salt.

I’m really looking forward to the shindig (new favourite word) because I’m
Hoping to see a lot of people I haven’t seen since the wedding. It because I love the man and enjoying working for him constantly. Again, all lies.

That reminds me… I need to bake a cake…

I have sent out he notes to the neighbours informing them of our intention to throw a raging party shindig at our place and told them that we will turn the music down at 12AM. All lies.

So here’s to a hangover from the shindig tomorrow night. Hoping to see you all there, I love you all.

(all lies) x Chadlington

Its Loreen

The I’s have it. Loreen will represent Sweden in the 2012 Eurovision Song Contest in Baku with her song ‘Euphoria’.

The grand finale of the Swedish selection show was held on the 10th of march. The show featured some of Sweden’s brightest stars such as Danny Saucedo, Molly Sandgen, Ulrik Munther, newcomer David Lindgren and of course Loreen.

It was surprising to see Loreen back in 2012, after not making the finals in meldoifestivalen last year with her song ‘My Heart is Refusing Me’.

I am so ridiculously excited about this. The song is sensational and she is so good, not as good as Eric Saade, but let’s face it, people seldom are. Did I tell you that we are lovers? No? I must have forgotten…

A Perfect Engagement

Attention Miramax!

The other day I witnessed the most grotesque display of human affection in the history of the universe. This stuff was so gooey it would have made Meg Ryan (queen of RomCom) hurl. I am talking about the perfect engagement.

It all started when this guy called the restaurant at work asking about private dining as he was thinking about proposing to his girlfriend. So being the brilliant customer service institution that we are we accommodated. He then told us that he would be dropping off the $25000 ring. Game changer. We knew that this kid (yes kid- 26. I checked) had money. And he wanted to spend it. We pulled out all stops. Red carpets and candles and champagne, the water fountain on the lake. It was totally spesh.

They arrived by helicopter just before two. My mate Blaire and I were lighting the candles in the room as they were supposed to arrive just after 2. Well I was lighting candles, Blaire was sipping coke watching me do all the work. So I was in charge of serving them for the day. I was aware that they were quite young but they were literally just kids. He was some kind of doctor and I have no idea what she was. And he was loaded. On top of that he was totally gorge. This guy was smoking hot. So although they were both young and filthy rich, they were really down to earth. I still think she knew what was going on. Helicopter, private candle lit lunch, exceptional service, she had to know.

After starters they went for a walk through the vines. Now the plan was that after main course they were going to take a walk up the stairs to the balcony that looks over the lawns and vines and the lake. The view is sensational. This is where he was going to pop the question. Vomit. So I got a little confused for a second but then got it after he mentioned the walk after mains.

So after they got back, they ordered mains and I topped up their French champagne. While eating, I was watching them through a tiny peep hole in the blacked out window in the door that leads from the kitchen into their private room. I know right. I was a total peeping Tom.

After main course, I went in to take their dessert orders and he gave the the nod. I had to haul ass up the stairs to the safe where I had the rock. All 25000 dollars worth. Then I had to run up more stairs and get it to the table where he had a photo of the two of them and a passage from Corinthians. Again. Vomit.

Kyran, Johnny and I hid in the board room upstairs where there was a great view. We could see the clarity of the diamond from there. Next thing we knew there were tears and kissing and it was so obvious she had said yes. We dashed out with champagne for congrats.

I will upload some photos so everyone can see how horribly romantic it was. Just get a bucket ready for imminent vomit.

Oh and I am redoing the wedding and starting with the engagement. Daniel take notes..

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The Love of an Adoptive Family

I love my family. I love mum. I love my dad. I love my brother. I love my husband. But this isn’t about them. This is about the other family that everyone has. This is about my second family.

I have a few families to be exact. It all started around 13 years ago when I met my best friend Nikki. I first met Nikki’s family when I started training at their dojo. (oh in case you didn’t know I’m a black belt in karate). Nikki and I went to school together but it wasn’t until I saw her at my first ever karate lesson that we became friends. It was from that moment that I knew I had found that person. That person that when you loose all your shit and no one gives a flying fuck about you, will be there to hold your hair back while you vomit, or stick their fingers down your throat to make you vomit when you have taken a bad pill. Nikki is my person.

Nikki’s family took me in with open arms. I was over their place every Friday after school for karate on Saturday morning. I would inevitably stay over again on Saturday night for video games and gossip. We spent every waking moment together, even the sleeping ones. We were are surgically joined at our incredibly interesting, judgmental personalities.

The point I’m trying to make is that this became my second family. Im pretty sure that I saw them more than I saw my own family. And I felt apart of that family. I feel apart of that family.

Now living up north, I rarely get to see my adoptive family #1. However I have found a suitable replacement in adoptive family #2. Kyran has been a great friend to Daniel and I for a few years now. I met her at work and immediately had very strong feelings towards her. Yes, very strong feelings. I feared her. She was one scary girl. I can see why some people think she is a bitch. She plays the part very well.

I eventually grew to love her, after many a bitch session. When I met her family I was instantly in love all over again. Daniel and I were welcomed into their home. And not only did they accept us for who we are but also they accepted us as part of their family and their support network. It’s a beautiful thing.

Now this post comes about from the other night. We arrived back to work from Margaret River. Kyran and I dropped Russell off and picked up Daniel at the same time. We then drove to Kyran’s place to drop her home. When we got there her family (minus Blayne and Kirstie) were all sitting around drinking red wine. We were asked instructed to stay, have dinner and stay the night. So we did. After dinner, the good Cabernet Sauvignon came out and then the Shiraz and then the port, some more Shiraz and more port. In the end it was 7 bottles of wine between 6 of us. Oh lord was I wasted. We sat the large wooden table out the back under the glow of 90’s style party lights, talking about politics absolutely nothing important as families do. It was amazing. A night of wine, laughter, name calling, more laughter followed by one of the worst hangovers I have ever had. I don’t normally drink red wine you see.

And I hate the name Frank.

Country Bliss

4 AM. The time I was awake this morning.

4:45 AM. The time I was at Kyran’s place to pick her up.

6 AM. The time we arrived at work to pick up Russell

10 AM. The time we arrived at the concert site.

Today we have the Stevie Wonder concert in Margaret River, Western Australia. We have the most amazing concert site down here. I think it’s much better than our site up in the Swan Valley. What I like most about it is the beautiful surrounds. It is so relaxing down here. Sitting on the back wooden deck of our country style mansion, in the most comfortable day bed. The midday sun on my face listening to the sounds of the grass growing and the crickets singing. Being autumthe air is warm in the sun and cool in the shade. Everything is green going brown and flowers growing in the grass and in the trees.

Over in the corner there is a slope heading down to bubbling creek about 500m down the slope. On the top of this slop is another deck which has a stone path leading to it from the main decking. From this other deck, the view of the valley is breathtaking, and you can enjoy this view from a long tree truck bench top table with matching seats down both sides, and finished with floating candle lanterns hanging above while you dine on homemade pizzas from the pizza oven to the right.

Behind me I can here the crew chatting and laughing about the drive down, or the day they have had already.

Although I’m really not looking forward to working tonight, I cannot think of anything else I would rather be doing right now. Ever had a female comb your hair with their nails. It’s amazing. Just ask me, Kyran is doing right to me right now.

I’m really upset that my husband isn’t here though. He would love this. It’s so relaxing. I’ll take some photos for him. I’ll take some photos for y’all actually. You should all have to feel jealous of what I’m feeling right now. 🙂