Ramblings of an Idiosyncratic Homosexual

Archive for April, 2012

Reality Sucks

Big Brother Australia comes back to us this year. I’m not sure if I’m excited or terrified. The truth is I loved this show when it was on tv. I’m bit sure what it was. The people weren’t that interesting, quite the opposite really. Really intolerable. Especially that Sarah one. Oh how I would love to staple something to her forehead. Right in the middle. Something along the lines of kick me here or glass me. The concept of big brother gave new meaning to the term 15 seconds of fame. For a short period of time the whole nation watched these housemates, and they were famous. Only to be replaced by the next group of wannabe stars that don’t really amount to anything. I think the fascination that we have with shows like this is the sick pleasure we get when someone is evicted or hated ad the fights and love triangles that for some reason seem more interesting on tv. It’s the same with shows like Idol. Everyone loves seeing a dream crushed. I know I really enjoyed seeing Elise Testone get voted off. She was crap. She was so upset poor thing. It was hilarious.

But I think the worst shows on television are the real housewives. I don’t think I have ever watched anything so brainless that those shows. I actually feel slightly more retarded than I was when the show started, and for those of you that know me, this is not a good thing.

These shows have no point. I don’t k ow why anyone would want to watch them. It’s not entertaining. Unless you think that watching extremely wealthy woman do nothing with their days and try to make something entertaining by acting like poodles and prance around spending hard earned money on things that they already have, all whole trying to tell the other show dogs that they are better then them. That their plastic surgery mistakes are not as bad as the others and that they deserve the blue ribbon for “best dog in show”.

Other shows like Jersey Shore were only slightly more interesting because at least you can laugh at how typically wog they are. And how hawt they think they are. Guess what snooki, I think your kinda fat. And who uses kitty litter as an exfoliate. Spend the cash sweety. And lose the tack.

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The Silent Killer

I have a rather strange fear. For some reason, I’m not sure why, but I suffer from Mottephobia- a fear of moths.

Trust me I know how stupid this sounds. I know they are harmless, and don’t bite, or have claws or anything like that. But for some reason they creep me the fuck out. I’m not sure they can’t bite you because they eat clothes, what’s to stop them from using their jaws of death to rip shreds of flesh from my body. Nothing I tell you. Nothing. And then you have the ones that are the size of small houses. With big fuck of wings. Just imagine how big those fangs must be.

Of course everyone at work thinks its so funny. Apparently placing giant man eating spawn of Satan on Chad is a an excellent form of team building. That’s right don’t come to my work. The service is horrible unless you into having your face ripped off. And unless you know someone that works there, your paying an average of $38 for a main portion of Chad fillet, or Chad thigh (now that’s some good thigh).

It’s not just limited to Moths. Any insect really. Crickets with their stolid jumping and surprises you and always causes you to scream unexpectedly in a crowd of people. I’m sure they do it just for fun. Evil bastards. Preying Mantis with their blades of death and destruction attached to their arms, able to shred strips of skin and then slowing devour unsuspecting human prey. And of course cockroaches that are just plain disgusting. I always picture then like Hannibal Lector.

Don’t stand to close to glass chad (insert horrendous slurping noise)

Creepy!

I know it’s weird and unsubstantiated, and I’m sure everyone’s like “oh Chad you big pile of sticks”.

Don’t care.

Still creepy.

I hate being alone…

Dear Diary

So a lot of people have been asking me why I married Daniel after they read my blog post ‘Why do you do that?”. I love my husband very much, and nothing will ever change that. It just so happened that I have just stumbled across this entry I wrote about 12 minutes ago from my Diary that I don’t have. This outlines the 10 of the MANY reasons why I love Daniel.

Dear Diary,

I would like to tell you, dearest of the diaries, about why I love my husband. Because I love talking about why I love my husband. Doesn’t that sound funny?

‘Why I love my husband’.

It’s almost like asking ‘why is the sky blue?’, or ‘why do cats meow?’. They just do.

So this here is 10 things I love about my husband.

1: Daniel always has an opinion on everything. Everything. This may be because he knows everything about everything, but the reality is that he can form his own opinion on what he has read, or watched or overheard in conversation. I hate to admit it but he is generally always right. I love (and sometimes hate) my husband for this.

2: Daniel is surprisingly a decent listener (when he is actually listening). I can talk to him about anything, and no matter what he is also supportive, even if he knows and I know that what I’m saying is incorrect or if I have done something wrong. I hope someday I can learn to be as supportive too him as he has been to me.

3: He is funny. It’s not always obvious but he can say the most hilarious things out of the blue and it always put a smile on my face.

4. He always does everything to the best of his ability. He puts 100% into everything he does and it is inspiring and intimidating at the same time.

5: Daniel is the most intelligent person I know. He has a wealth of information in his head and the best part is that he is willing as well as able to help anyone and everyone that asks. He will make a fine Lawyer/Politician/UN Ambassador one day.

6: He cleans. Enough Said.

7: He gets along with my mother. This is really important to me because Kazbot is THE SHIT.. The fact that these two get along (sometimes with a cask of wine also) means the world to me and I hope that they both know that.

8: We have a special voice that we speak to each other in. To others it may sound childish, but to me it is comforting, makes me feel safe, appreciated and loved.

9: His heart still beats faster when I lay my head on his chest. This is one of the reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place. We still look at each other like we are teenagers.

10: I know that he loves me more than anyone else in the world. And I hope that he knows that I love him just as much if not more than that also.

Stay tuned for a blog about why I love myself. Which will be far more fun to read. I promise.Image

Baby Jesus and other Myths

I like to believe in myths. Up until the age of 16 I whole heartedly believed in Santa Claus. Tooth Fairy was a likely story. I never did understand was the Easter Bunny was in fact, a bunny. Monsters, Vampires and demons are all real and please be assured I am 100% prepared for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse when the undead rise from the depths of hell to wreck havoc on earth (I am assuming of course that this havoc will include moths, cockroaches, Justin Beiber and various other hideous insects). The one myth that I cannot, and will not, hold any stake in is the myth about nice, attractive lesbians.

I’m sorry but the no such thing. Lesbians are gross. The ones you see in those movies you watch, are actors. They are not real! God. That’s like saying that Norway will win Eurovision this year. Clearly it will be Sweden.

Now I’m not trying to offend anyone here. I’m sure there may be a tolerable lesbian out there (even the word is horrible), It’s just that all the ones I have met so far are mean and nasty and act like men.I know, total turn off. If I wanted to sleep with a man, and I was a lesbian (shudder at the thought) then I wouldn’t be a lesbian. This also applies to men who are gay that sleep with men that think they are woman. GO EAT A VAGINA!

You see there is this unwritten law that gay men like myself, and lesbians, do not get along. There is a war that all you heteros don’t know about. It’s like Underworld with Kate Beckensale. Humans are unaware of the war between Lycans and Vampires (both real). Lesbians normally win the physical fights because of their brut strength and stamina. Where as us gays are weak as shit with tender wrists, but are able to outsmart the lesbians due to their tiny brains that almost lack the ability to speak coherently. I’m fairly certain that about 6 years ago I got into a fight with Ellen when she came launching at me, short hair and war paint, screaming

big hammer big hammer

trying to hit me with

big hammer

. Lucky I was able to step to the side while she kept going and fell of the cliff we just happened to be standing on at the time.

At the end of the day though I kind of feel sorry for them because they are so unfortunate. It’s not their fault they eat vagina anymore than its the Christians fault they believe in baby Jesus (another Myth unsubstantiated).

Natural selection will wipe them out though because, well they are lesbians. And they are going to hell. As are we all.

There is no escaping them!!!!

Please, I urge you if you are a lesbian that is nice, acts like a woman and can spell my name, I would like to hear from you, I doubt I will though…

The Unwritten

7 Things I Hate About You

So I have this friends that I don’t get to see very much. I love her to death but there is defiantly a reason that I try to avoid spending any quality time with her. This is because I find her utterly pathetic and irritable. I find her more annoying the a rock in your shoe, or that one fly that has a whole hose to fly around, but insists that it needs to fly around your face and in your ear.

So this, Molly (not a real name), is a list of 7 things I hate about you.

Dear Molly,

1: I hate that you always think about yourself and no one else. You are no more important that anyone else.

2: You have had a bad day, get over it. I’ve had 3!

3: Learn to dress, that skirt does NOT look good on you.

4: Yes I think your a slut whore bag mole bitch who doesn’t care enough about her boyfriend because people who love other can’t cheat. Simple. ( I may have just given this away)

5: Guess what!? I’m gay! I’m not going to sleep with you! Plus I’m married. And vaginas are gross.

6: I don’t particularly like your friends. Stop asking me to hang out with them.

7: I really hate you think your attractive and sexy. Your not. Stop trying.

This may seem harsh, Molly, but I still love you. I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I didn’t tell you these things. And since your name is not Molly ad your so dumb you probably have no idea that in talking about you, I guess in not a very good friend. However 8 years is a long time and I’m not going to throw it away just because your everything I stated above…

Regards
Chadlington X

Why do you do that??

This list could get very long, as I’m sure everyone who has ever been in relationship can understand. There are just some things that piss you off. It’s not that I don’t my husband any less when he does these enraging annoying aspects of his personality, however I don’t love him anymore for either. I’m positive that the more I write and get into the frame of mind required to write such a post, other moments from the last 4 years may pop back into my mind and inevitably find there way into the post. You have been forewarned.

So this post stems from this morning. I got up a little earlier than I would have liked today, having a frustratingly late night on Tuesday night. I got up and first thin I did was get the dry cloths off the line and hung out the wet stuff. This is quite often at the top of my least favourite things to do. I then showers and got dressed ready to head to Fremantle to see the American sailors that arrived recently. I spent about 2 minutes looking for MY wallet and realised that Daniel has taken it to work (annoyed). I then call Daniel to confirm this. He says I don’t knows (oh he knew) and then rushes me off the phone because he is “so busy”. All lies. Anyways I admit defeat, no sailors for Chad. So I decided to do the ironing and clean the house up a bit. Download some movies for Daniel to watch and then settle down to have some cereal for lunch. I know what your’re thinking, cereal for lunch. Buying you have been keeping up, which you probably haven’t, I have turned vegetarian and haven’t had a chance to go shopping yet. I would have today, but I did t have my wallet… Remember. Anyways I get my bowl which is just the right size, pour just the right amout of Just Right into the bowl, go and grab the milk out of the fridge and realise that there is no cold milk. I would have known this if there was nothing in the fridge but Daniel has this apparent need to put empty cartons back into the fridge. This isn’t just limited to milk cartons either, oh no this is bottles of soft drink, salad dressings, cans of red bull, the wrapper from the cheese, butter containers, and possibly the most disappointing thing that nearly drove me to mass homicide this afternoon, the box of Cadbury Favourites. Annoying right?

Then I went to the toilet and when I was finished, no toilet paper. Now you would like I would have learnt from this by now, I haven’t. Fortunately I was able to scurry, pants around my ankles, around the house to the linen press to get the new paper. It’s a pleasant thought I’m putting into your minds I’m sure, but I really want you to feel how upset I must have been at this point, I mean is it so hard to REPLACE THE FUCKING TOILET ROLLS. I don’t think I asking to to much here.

Another example is this “2 secs” response he has to everything I say. We have actually started a little joke about it at work now because it so irritating. I sure if I told Daniel that I was having a heart attack and needed medical attention it would be followed by “2
secs, I have 73 seconds left on this YouTube video about collecting video game consoles”. I shit you not this I would actually happen.

Also he always waits to after we have dinner and sit down watch some tv to tell me that he need me to go and get him cigarettes. I don’t want to go and get your cigarettes after I have slaved over the stove cooking your dinner. You could have gotten them on your way home from work, before you it home, which was a total of 15 minutes ago.

Don’t even get me started on the wine in the freezer.

Please be re assured that I live my husband very dearly and it’s the little things that he does that make me live him more and more every day. It’s also the little things make me want to smash keyboards into my skull. Or his I’m not fussed.

I sure I do thing that irritate him
to. But as far as your cocerned, I’m perfect. Remember that.

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Chad