Ramblings of an Idiosyncratic Homosexual

Eurovision Party 2012

Just over a week left until Eurovision. I’m a little excited. The more I think about it the more excited I get. I think I just came a little.

Now to be honest I’m not expecting this year to the most amazeballs eurovision experience of my life. It won’t be as good as 2010. Nor will any song be as good as Eric Saade’s popular in 2011. Ong just thinking about himBethany song made me come a little again.

So my favourite this year is quite obviously Loreen’s euphoria from Sweden. Is say this is quite obvious because it’s Sweden, home of the most gorgeous men on the planet, and also because it just a jammin’ track. Yes I said jammin’. What of it? Get outta my grill yo!

Anyways other notable songs are Norway’s Tooji with stay and Cyprus’s La La Love by some Iva chick. Spain could be a top performer (for once) and I really think the guy from Germany is a total babe. Shame the song is pretty crap.

So preparations for the party are underway. I already have my costume prepared, with accompanied makeup. I have taken the whole week off work to prepare. I am planning on baking all these delicious cupcakes and carefully creating the flags of various participating countries flags. I need to make punch too. So much to do!!! I plan on having an ongoing commentary on my twitter account also @chadlington.

Ad the drinking games that are going to be played. This is why Eurovision exists. Who cares about world peace or whatever they say the reasons for Eurovision is. No one actually cares unless it’s some poor european country that no one cares about. Like England.

I’m hoping for new hotties to perve on. Like I said thought. They won’t be as gorge as Eric Saade.

I just came a little again. If I keep this up I’ll be done in about 2 minutes.

For those of you that don’t already know how multi skilled, talented and amazing I am, well I am multi skilled, talented and amazing. I am So talented that I am a black belt in karate. Oh yeah. I kick ass. And faces.

To be honest I’m not really that much of a black belt at the moment. I havent trained properly in six years. I recently went back last week. I’m not to sure what inspired to go back now and not before. But I now how happy I was back then. Probably because I was really skinny, fucking hot and I won big trophies. A lot.

This also coincides with our new gym membership (which is going very well I might add). This also means I am twice as sore twice as much for twice as long. After going back I realised I had forgotten about muscles that I had t used in 6 years. Like thighs. And shoulder muscles. Who uses shoulder muscles. Not me.

So you can imagine my face when these muscles were awoken again. I’ll give you a visual. It was across between the face one would pull while their nipples are being twisted and a young ten wage boy coping the elusive female ejaculation squirt right in the face. You can view the face below.

And then having to go to work the following 3 days and walk up those fucking stairs to my office 700000000 times a day. Not cool man. I’m sure the ejaculation squirt in the face appeared several times that day. And when people touch you as try to get your attention, or if they are real evil bastards and they know your in pain but continue to poke and prod you. Wankers.

“Don’t touch me please!”

Hopefully the pain will subside, along with everyone’s insensitive need to poke their fingers deep into my throbbing flesh causing excruciating pain which can be compared to the pain of child birth I’m sure.

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Small Things

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Yesterday Daniel and I joined a gym.

I know right. Me, doing exercise. The idea is actually hilarious because, I do not do exercise. I have enough trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I try to avoid stairs wherever possible, and if I cant find the remote, Ill just watch whatever is on tv or else perish whilse trying to reach the remote. What is even more hilarious is the visual of me doing exercise. Of course I am only speculating this atm moment, because I have no idea what I would look like doing exercise. One reasoon for this is because I do not do any exercise.

While joing the gym, the lady asks if we would like to sign up for personal trainer classes. Are you joking? You cant be serious? You want me to pay someone to torture me. You want me to pay someone $40 an hour to act like a vulture, ready to exploit me. You want me to pay you to ‘push me till I collapse”?

No Thanks.

So this morning was my first day of gym. We went and bought all the gear. Gym shoes. I colour cordinated an outfit with my new shoes and existing shorts with a new sports top. I totally looked the part. Of course I really struggled to get out of bed this morning. So we have no gym today. Maybe we can go tonight. This is the problem I have with the gym. I can never motivate myself to go. I was thinking that with Daniel and I both going we would be able to motivate each other. Howver we are both lazy. Oh god this gym thing is hard.

Why isnt there a pill that you can take that makes you beautiful and toned and skinny.

I should have taken her up on those personal training lessons.

So I have a question. What is considered to be too young. I mean obviously anyone who is underage is too young… Because that is a crime. I’m talking a about what is a socially acceptable age bracket between lovers. Me personally, anyone born in nineties is totally of limits. A nineties baby are you serious. I realise that people born in 1990 are now 22 and well above the legal limit but still, 1990… Gross.

I’m having these thoughts because, although I do not want to admit it to myself let alone my tragic husband and friends who are clearly under the influence of strong narcotics, but Josh Hutcherson = total babe. I used to call him that kid from Bridge to Terabithia I now mostly call him
Delicious.

What is most horrifying is that he is 1992. Now that’s only 4 years different meaning he is 20 this year, and being the Hollywood child star he is I’m sure he was molestered by some crazy big time pedophile director who promised him the part for just the tip, making him clearly experienced and probably has sex all the time like most 19 year olds too. I’m kidding, I don’t think directors actually do that. 😐

I think is more his character in Hunger Games too… So attracted to that character. He’s perfect.

So what’s an appropriate age gap between lovers… I would say 8 years… Obviously this would increase as you get older. And you also have that rule where you half your age and add 7… So if your 40, the youngest you can go is 27. And I can do 19 (yes!) watch out JHutch!

Poor Daniel. No Beiber for you!

Reality Sucks

Big Brother Australia comes back to us this year. I’m not sure if I’m excited or terrified. The truth is I loved this show when it was on tv. I’m bit sure what it was. The people weren’t that interesting, quite the opposite really. Really intolerable. Especially that Sarah one. Oh how I would love to staple something to her forehead. Right in the middle. Something along the lines of kick me here or glass me. The concept of big brother gave new meaning to the term 15 seconds of fame. For a short period of time the whole nation watched these housemates, and they were famous. Only to be replaced by the next group of wannabe stars that don’t really amount to anything. I think the fascination that we have with shows like this is the sick pleasure we get when someone is evicted or hated ad the fights and love triangles that for some reason seem more interesting on tv. It’s the same with shows like Idol. Everyone loves seeing a dream crushed. I know I really enjoyed seeing Elise Testone get voted off. She was crap. She was so upset poor thing. It was hilarious.

But I think the worst shows on television are the real housewives. I don’t think I have ever watched anything so brainless that those shows. I actually feel slightly more retarded than I was when the show started, and for those of you that know me, this is not a good thing.

These shows have no point. I don’t k ow why anyone would want to watch them. It’s not entertaining. Unless you think that watching extremely wealthy woman do nothing with their days and try to make something entertaining by acting like poodles and prance around spending hard earned money on things that they already have, all whole trying to tell the other show dogs that they are better then them. That their plastic surgery mistakes are not as bad as the others and that they deserve the blue ribbon for “best dog in show”.

Other shows like Jersey Shore were only slightly more interesting because at least you can laugh at how typically wog they are. And how hawt they think they are. Guess what snooki, I think your kinda fat. And who uses kitty litter as an exfoliate. Spend the cash sweety. And lose the tack.

The Silent Killer

I have a rather strange fear. For some reason, I’m not sure why, but I suffer from Mottephobia- a fear of moths.

Trust me I know how stupid this sounds. I know they are harmless, and don’t bite, or have claws or anything like that. But for some reason they creep me the fuck out. I’m not sure they can’t bite you because they eat clothes, what’s to stop them from using their jaws of death to rip shreds of flesh from my body. Nothing I tell you. Nothing. And then you have the ones that are the size of small houses. With big fuck of wings. Just imagine how big those fangs must be.

Of course everyone at work thinks its so funny. Apparently placing giant man eating spawn of Satan on Chad is a an excellent form of team building. That’s right don’t come to my work. The service is horrible unless you into having your face ripped off. And unless you know someone that works there, your paying an average of $38 for a main portion of Chad fillet, or Chad thigh (now that’s some good thigh).

It’s not just limited to Moths. Any insect really. Crickets with their stolid jumping and surprises you and always causes you to scream unexpectedly in a crowd of people. I’m sure they do it just for fun. Evil bastards. Preying Mantis with their blades of death and destruction attached to their arms, able to shred strips of skin and then slowing devour unsuspecting human prey. And of course cockroaches that are just plain disgusting. I always picture then like Hannibal Lector.

Don’t stand to close to glass chad (insert horrendous slurping noise)

Creepy!

I know it’s weird and unsubstantiated, and I’m sure everyone’s like “oh Chad you big pile of sticks”.

Don’t care.

Still creepy.

I hate being alone…